About Me

I have written off and on since 1991.  Life seems to have divided itself into two parts; before  our first child Nick's death in 1991 and after Nick's death  (BND and AND). BND, I had life figured out:  I do my part, God does His part.  I toe the line of "good enough" and He rewards me accordingly.  A+B=C.   I didn't understand that equation in Algebra, why did I think I could apply it to this complicated and intriguing dance called life?

I  have learned over the years, through feedback from others, my interpreting feedback from others and trying to sort my own expectations ,  my grief was/is  inappropriate, too much, not as reliant on Christ as it "should've"  been and lasted wayyyyyyy too long.  It also has been alluded to as  infinitely too messy and uncomfortably interruptive. Not messy  just to myself but also splashed on  those around me. As a proud, 5 yrs married new mom, I became struck down on a beautiful spring Sunday morning and often thought I would've been better off being buried 2 days later with my baby.  ....But God.   as in Ephesians 2:4 "But God

I have struggled with the title of Bereaved Parent for so many reasons.  It is  ridiculously sad and difficult to be lumped in with such broken hearted people, yet it is often a club where the other members "get " the deep hidden places of my heart.     You see, I am a joyful  woman with an overriding PFA  Syndrome (Polly Freaking Anna.)  I see the positively thirst quenching glass half full. I have a   fulfilling delicious life with extended family, a husband, brilliant children, friends and joy in being a part of a local and global Church.  The questions that started immediately still slink around the hallways in my brain..  Will I feel this physical heart pain forever? Is there a way to escape this wretched hopelessness? How can I still be me with this unbearable weight?  How will our marriage survive this?  How long should grief last?  Am I doing it right?
 

It wasn't even a "thing" to share heart thoughts  in a blog in 1991 AND I struggled daily with where to put them. I started a new journal every week somehow trying to refresh my soul with a clean white page.    As the years  have passed and I have trusted  some  with my unsettled feelings that refused to look ordered or ladylike, I have met a community of people who have allowed me to wrestle them out and deal. God has allowed me to feel all the things and then He  speaks truth over the situation.   Sometimes the truth shatters and sorts the feelings into manageable parts  and other times it doesn't.   And I have become settled with that too.  Most days.  

I have an adorable husband and 5 children.  Two have married their life persons  and we have one preciousness of a grandgirl.  My Grandma died at 102, so I consider my life only half over.  I want to live each day as if it is my last, but often get stuck in the hardships of the daily-ness of living. The fusses, long slow lines, slimy food in the rotter, chronic pain, relationship rifts, thighs rubbing together, trying to figure out what's for dinner?  I am frequently left wondering, "How do I reconcile this bomb dot com dripping Joy and Love Giddiness with these disappointing  in-my-face realities of living in a broken world?  

 
I am a believer in Jesus Christ and a student of His life-giving holy word, the Bible.  Daily, I realize my need for hope and a Savior.  This life, as beautiful as it is with delicious family, satisfying and rousing friendships,  love and chocolate.........is not enough.  It is enough for now, for this day but not for eternity!  So thankful for heaven which has become almost palpable since part of my heart is there AND as I know God as my Father more and more.  

One of my goddaughters, Tatum spoke life over me when she was just 4 years old.  She and my daughter, Julia, were playing   'Mother May I?' .  After my  calling for them to take 2 sideways slippery snake steps,  1 horse trot, and a backward snail roll, Tatum whispered to Julia with her preschool lisp, "Your mom isth weird but fabuleth."

Yes.  Yes, I am.  Confirmed over and over through the years. Fabulous because God says I am made perfectly the way He designed.    Weird by definition means "other worldly."  I am confident I am made for more than this world.  It is not my home.  This life is weird and doesn't follow our short sighted man-made rules.  It is devastating and breathtaking.  It is soul filling and soul crushing.  It, too, is Weird but Fabulous!

I have found the old Proverb to be so true:  Grief shared is halved and joy shared is doubled.  ( or even a gazillion quadrupled if glitter or confetti is thrown!)    Join me on this Weird but Fabulous journey called life and let's halve our grief and at least double our joy as we share our stuff! 

Would love to hear your comments.  What is your struggle and joy today?