So, I have had one of my most frustrating, disappointing and angriest weeks on record. Took me a second or two thinking who to thank for that one! ha. I came home last Saturday to write the crown blog and was just jazzed that God kept shining His light on the crowns I plop on my queenly noggin that will deteriorate into dust when those trumpets sound. As I dug in the Word and kept writing, my teen kids kept asking me for things. Usually they hide from me so I don’t ask them their feelings or to do any chores or who they are texting. I felt like screaming at them to leave me alone. My exact words were… ” Oh my Gosh…..I AM TRYING TO READ THE BIBLE WHAT DO U NEED? I AM THE ONLY ONE READING THE BIBLE HERE AND I AM THE MEANEST ONE! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? While they all stared at me, we began to giggle and I said I think I am going to a long time out… buh bye.
I had to talk it out with God. I didn’t understand the crowns He revealed. I was surprised they were the worn out, suffering laced and grief ridden crowns of my past… the ones that aren’t often called on to be worn for speaking gigs. They refer more to a time of when “things just didn’t really work out” no matter how hard I prayed. I would have assumed God would have been more offended by my prancing around in my pridefilled crowns of
Didn’t Have Sex Before Marriage or
Read Through the Bible or
Senior Nursing Student of the Year or
Led 20+ Bible Studies or
Homeschooled My Kindergartner for 6 Weeks or
Had 5 Kids and I’m Not Even Catholic.
Now , those are impressive. Not. He has graciously revealed exactly what I have been wearing as my identity and that it will not fit me anymore. To further explain, I have been carrying those crowns in my purse ( my baggage) ready to take out and throw on in an instant to
1. Defend my behavior
2. Emphasize my pain is worse than yours
3. Worst of all…Try to Manipulate God
a. remind Him I am still hurting
b. deliver the next “pain package” to someone else or keep it
c. try to at least balance the pain and beauty I receive just to be fair.
Wow…I play a sick and complicated game.
God is the supreme teacher. He revealed this info last Saturday. I went to a Missions Dinner for my dtr on Sunday. He wasted no time checking to see if I had grasped the concepts.
We drive 45 minutes to Inola with directions of turn right at the tree. Really. My fussiness began….We go to church 10 minutes away in Tulsa so we can get there in a jiffy. Turn right at a tree? how country is that? Reminded me of my childhood and how I really knew how to use those directions and how now I don’t and I wish I did. We arrived. I had met the youth pastor 2 times and knew no one else. I am sending my dtr to Africa with people I didn’t know . .Nice. No, I’m sending her to Africa with God. Begin eating homecooked buffet potluck yum. One dish tastes like Lysol. Really? I don’t trust any of it. So I just eat the potatoes I brought. Ugh. I am sending my dtr to Africa with someone who cooks with Lysol. No, I am sending my dtr to Africa with God. I go put my plate up after the Pastor talks about safety and how he has been there 5 or 6 times and we have insurance incase the kids get sick and have to come home or if they all need to be sent home. I think of how we didnt have insurance when Nick died and my Dad had to pay for his funeral and cemetary plot and our friends bought his headstone. and I feel tears dripping. A beautiful lady says, “oh, are you worried about sending your daughter to Africa? You shouldn’t be worried. Think how I feel, I just have one daughter,” I was ready to pull my grief crown out, spit on it, shine it up and start in on the …..oh really? welllllllll My first and only kid died. My next went to the Navy. blah blah blah blahblah.. But God caught my wrist as I was reaching and whispered, “You don’t need the crown. I wore the crown of thorns so you don’t have to wear one”
I sat down at my table and listened to someone I consider a new friend tell of the tragedy and pain of the past year of her life and I reached again for another crown to put on all in the name of “empathizing, ” again I recognized a “no.” I just listened. I wasn’t used to this new me though. Anger rose up. I wanted someone to hear my pain too. Still tearful the only child mama saw me on the way out and reminded me I would be ok. My Christian heart wanted to punch her. Where does that come from. eeek. I can’t stand myself.
I rounded the corner to the car and I felt Julia’s hand slip into mine as she asked, “has Daddy found out when we move yet?” The last crown referenced in my last post clanged in my imaginary purse and I didn’t even reach for it. I think God smiled. We got lost on the way home. I wanted to fume. I continued to be challenged all week and I know that I know I am on the right path.
God has revealed this week.
1. I want all things to make sense.
2. I want to be comfortable.
and He gave His comforting truth balm….
Isaiah 55:8, 9 The Lord says, “My thoughts are not like your thoughts, Corinna. Your ways are not like my ways. Just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”
John 16:33 In this world, Corinna, you WILL have trouble. But take heart, I have OVERCOME the world. WOW….